


i love you

by yumetourou



Series: see through [3]
Category: K-pop, The Boyz (Korea Band)
Genre: Angst, Future Fic?, M/M, maybe a bit less angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-04
Updated: 2019-09-04
Packaged: 2020-10-06 21:56:41
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,543
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20514134
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yumetourou/pseuds/yumetourou
Summary: i love you too, kevin





	i love you

It was one in the morning, and Chanhee was fiddling with a drawer that had broken earlier that day. He had work in the morning, but he didn’t care. He wanted his drawer fixed. Even after hours of working, he knew he was getting nowhere, but he refused to give in and ask someone for help for something as silly as a drawer. He also didn’t want to explain that he was the one who broke it, by slamming it closed in a fit of annoyance with himself. He moved to stand up, slamming his head into the bottom of the drawer and probably breaking it further. The screwdriver clattered to the floor as Chanhee forced back tears. He really couldn’t do anything right these days, could he? 

After giving up on the drawer for the time being, Chanhee stalked around the house in search of something to ease the throbbing in his head. With a shaking hand, he took some painkillers and caught a glimpse of himself in the bathroom mirror. His own appearance shocked him: Pale skin, dark rings, he had even lost some weight in his face. Entranced by the ghostly figure staring back at him, he wondered how long he had looked like this for and not noticed. He moved closer, and his ghost did the same, confirming that it wasn’t his mind playing tricks on him. He seemed like a distorted version of himself. Is this what Kevin meant?

Someone was knocking on his door. Chanhee didn’t know how long they had been there while he was staring at himself (which he later berated himself for), but they were persistent. Chanhee hoped they would just go away. They didn’t. Chanhee acquiesced, and went to answer the door, hoping it was a ding dong ditch and he could go to sleep. 

Oh, was he wrong. Chanhee opened the door and on the other side of the threshold stood Kevin, the person he least expected to ever be at his apartment again. Especially alone. 

“Kevin? What are you doing?”

“We need to talk.” Kevin’s eyes seemed sincere, but Chanhee still hesitated. 

“Last time you said that, it didn’t turn out well. Especially for me.” Kevin looked at something (nothing) on the ground, and shoved his hands nervously in his pockets. 

“I know. That’s why I’m here. Can I come in?” Chanhee stepped to the side to allow him in, but his eyes never left Kevin’s face. It didn’t feel real, Kevin being at his apartment. He was tempted to reach his hand out to see if he was a mirage, but he was also too scared to touch him. He didn’t deserve Kevin. 

“How are you feeling these days, Chanhee?”

“I’m fine,” Chanhee fiddled with his hands, a nervous habit. 

“Don’t lie to me,” Kevin turned back to look at him. 

“It’s my fault.” Kevin said it at the exact same time Chanhee did. 

“It’s my fault,” Chanhee echoed, this time with more force. Kevin gave him a sad look, and embraced Chanhee. Chanhee hugged him back, but it felt artificial. Like he was a robot being programmed to respond with a hug rather than his own decision to hug Kevin. Everything was too much. Maybe it was the look in Kevin’s eyes, it wasn’t pity, which Chanhee had expected. It was never pity from Kevin, it was pain. It seemed like he was trying to understand Chanhee, but to Chanhee it felt foreign. Kevin would never understand him, or how he felt, no matter how hard he tried. Kevin knew this too, because Chanhee had told him. 

“Do you want some water?” Chanhee tried to break the silence with the same, rehearsed small talk he would use for anyone. It hurt to treat Kevin like anyone else, because he shouldn’t be just anyone to Chanhee. However much Kevin was a stranger, he was equally not a stranger. Wordlessly, Kevin nodded. He didn’t let go of Chanhee until he was told he needed to so Chanhee could get them both a drink. 

Chanhee had instinctively curled himself into a ball in the corner of the couch, hands gripping a glass of water he hadn’t taken a sip from. He only got the water for himself so he didn’t push his limits and grab hold of Kevin. It still felt like a dream that Kevin was at his apartment, sitting on his couch. He felt both safe and unsafe with Kevin, he wanted to distance himself yet be as close as possible. Kevin felt like home, but still foreign. Chanhee’s mind worked in weird ways. Kevin hadn’t touched his water either. He was staring at it, his eyes tracking every ripple from the moment it was created to the moment it petered out. Chanhee shamelessly watched him, knowing that Kevin could feel his gaze. 

“Did you get my letter?” Chanhee jumped, spilling some of his water on his lap. Kevin didn’t notice. 

“Yeah, I got it.”

“Did you read it?”

“I read it.” Chanhee set down his water and instead clutched a pillow, his hands shaking. His whole body shaking. Kevin clasped his hands together, Chanhee’s eyes still trained on his every move. 

“I love you, Chanhee.”  _ I love you too, Kevin _ . Chanhee tried to speak, but he choked on his own words.  _ I love you too, Kevin.  _ “Why are you crying?” Kevin’s question was so innocent, such a simple thing yet it broke Chanhee’s heart even further. Why  _ wasn’t  _ he crying? He gripped the pillow close to himself, fearing he might rip it if he dug his nails in any further.  _ I love you too, Kevin.  _

“Why would you  _ say  _ that?!” Hurt flashed in Kevin’s eyes, and Chanhee felt a pang of guilt. He tried to stop the poison from seeping through, but it was like his fears were talking for him. 

“W-what do you mean?” Kevin’s voice was so soft, so timid, and it hurt Chanhee so, so much. 

“Why  _ me?  _ Why would you waste your time on  _ me? _ ”  _ I love you, Kevin _ . 

“Because, Chanhee, it’s always been you! Since day one!” Chanhee knew Kevin was speaking to him, raising his voice, but he couldn’t comprehend any of his words. 

“I don’t deserve you, Kevin.”

“You deserve to be happy, Chanhee.”

“I DON’T DESERVE ANY OF THIS!” Chanhee slapped his hands over his mouth to stop himself from shouting again. Kevin flinching at his words was the final nail in the coffin. “I’m sorry. I won’t shout again.”  _ I love you.  _ A heavy silence hung in the air, broken only by the occasional shaky breath from Chanhee. He curled himself around the pillow still in his arms, hoping that if he made himself small enough he could disappear. 

“You  _ do  _ deserve to be happy, Chanhee, and if I can bring you even an ounce of happiness, then you deserve me too.” Chanhee shook his head, but Kevin wasn’t looking at him. The already thick tension became even thicker, and Chanhee was scared. Scared that he’d finally ruined everything with Kevin, even if it wasn’t much at this point.  _ I’m sorry.  _

Kevin’s lips were warm against his, a feeling Chanhee knew he would always crave. Kevin moved faster than Chanhee expected, and he didn’t notice their proximity until Kevin was kissing him. Even if it was just a kiss, Chanhee’s senses were being overwhelmed with Kevin. Kevin was everything he had, all he allowed himself to have. His smile, his touch, his voice,  _ him.  _

“Typical Kevin fashion, kissing you while you’re crying. Sorry about that.”

“Don’t be sorry.” Chanhee spoke so quietly, he wasn’t sure if Kevin heard him. 

“How long has it been since we did that?”

“Three years.” Chanhee wasted no time in answering. He didn’t care if Kevin knew he’d been counting the years. His hand found its own way into Kevin’s, and the small circles being rubbed on the back of his palm slowly coaxed him out of his own mind. 

“I’m sorry.” Chanhee’s already low voice was muffled by the pillow, but somehow Kevin understood him. 

“For what?” 

“For being me.” Chanhee was aware of how sad it sounded, but he meant it as a fact. 

“You don’t need to apologize for that.” Chanhee glanced up and his eyes met Kevin’s. When Kevin grinned his crooked smile at Chanhee, he couldn’t help the small smile that bloomed on his lips. 

“I love you too, Kevin.” Kevin looked like he remembered something suddenly, and shoved his free hand into his pocket. Intrigued by his sudden movement, Chanhee watched him intently. Kevin grabbed Chanhee’s free hand and slipped something, a ring, onto one of his fingers. He seemed to get the message from the urgent and nervous look Chanhee gave him. 

“Not a proposal. A promise ring. I promise I won’t leave you again, if you’ll let me stay.” Chanhee’s words seemed to stop in his throat again.  _ Of course I’ll let you stay.  _ Instead, he started crying again. It seemed like all he could do was cry. It was different this time though, and Kevin seemed to realize that. He pulled Chanhee into a hug, rocking him ever so slightly, and everything seemed to stop for Chanhee. 

He was calm. 

He was home. 

He had  _ hope.  _

**Author's Note:**

> sorry if it sucks im not good at angst


End file.
